This past year has been one of growth and new beginnings. I haven't blogged" much and to be honest I haven't really known what to say or even how to feel about all of the changes that have taken place in my family.
I started blogging as a unique way to journal and record my everday life and that of my families. I did it for them and as time passed it became a way to stay in touch and even re-connect with old friends and family and along the way I made new friends.
But there has been one subject that I have avoided and I have pondered for 13 months if I should even mention it. After much thought and prayer I decided that I would and if it embarrases anyone or upsets them that is just too bad, this is my life, my journal, my history, it is my story to tell. Who knows maybe there is someone out there that I can help or that will end up helping me. So here it goes.
On October 1, 2010 my family and I went to the football game at Combs High School to watch and support RaLee as she cheered at the Varisty football game. Teele and I rode home together and as we pulled into the driveway he turned to me and said, "I want out. I'm done with it all. You and I want two different things out of life. You want family trips, campouts, dinners, and things like that. I want my friends and to do the things I want to do and to rodeo. I'm tired of family and I'm tired of giving them/you all my money. I'm done. Then he said, "Oh and by the way I haven't been making the house payment the banks are taking it and you have 30 days to get out. He didn't want to talk about it, go to counseling, pray about, or do anything that would save our eternal marraige of 31 years 8 months. He was done and our journey to "forever" together was over. I suddenly found myself homeless with a grand total of $2.68 in change. The next day he was kissing a woman at the barn and he introduced her to his children as "Family".
My heart was broken, I was shocked beyond belief and I had no desire to live. My children and my wonderful Bishop "talked me in off of the ledge". This happened the night before General Conference and never in my life have I watched conference with such anticipation- I just new that each and every talk would have something in it that would help sustain me through the times ahead. I clung to every word, but one talk in particular struck a chord with me and my daughters, Mervyn B. Arnold's story/talk about the "Stupid Cow" seemed to fit our situation.
16 days later RaLee and I, along with Jessica and John's family(they were living with us) moved in with Crystal and Spencer, they never hesitated, they just took control and opened up their home and their hearts to us.
Jessica and John, not able to find work in Arizona, moved to Libby, Montana, 6 months later, to be closer to his daughter, and to look for work.
Parents said goodbye to their nieces and nephews
Cousins said goodbye
There were many tears shed and then they drove away to begin again in Montanta.
Then in September John and Amanda moved to Logan, Utah. They live in the basement home of John's parents. It is a nice basement, complete with living room, dining room, kitchen, pantry, 3 bedrooms and a bathroom. Johns parents are letting them live rent free so they can pay off their mounting student loans. John was also fortunate that the company he worked for in Arizona agreed to let him live in Utah and work from home. So again more tears and more goodbyes. They stopped by the house for hugs all-around on their way to Utah.
Izzy and Nolan all buckled up and ready to go.
Then a few weeks later DJ moved to Kansas. He had looked for work in Arizona for years so when a friend got him a job at a feedlot in Garden City he couldn't pass it up.
The night before he moved out, his boots were beside the couch,
His belt on the armoire,
Bags packed,
The sunrise the morning he left,
More hugs and more goodbyes
In an 11 month period I lost my husband and 3 of my children, 2 awesome son in laws and 6 grandchildren moved out of state. I went into a deep depression, having all of my children and grandchildren around has always been such a source of strength, comfort and happiness for me, and suddenly I was dealing with a major case of "Empty Nest Syndrome".
This past October I flew to Montana and spent a week with Jessica and then flew to Utah and spent another week with Amanda's family. I felt better after seeing where they live and knowing that they are happy and doing well.
RaLee turned 18 and it was hard not having everybody there to help her celebrate such a big day. She cried- in fact we all cried. Then all of her brothers and sisters called different phones, we put them on speaker phone and they all sang her "Happy Birthday" at the same time... and we cried some more. It wasn't the same but we are still family and we still love and support each other.
DJ flew home for a few days this past weekend and celbrated his 24th birthday and Wayne turned 9. He is back in Kansas and it was a little easier saying goodbye this time.
There is an old country song that goes through my mind every now and then, by Patty Loveless, called "How Can I Help You Say Goodbye". Part of the chorus states that "Lifes about changes nothing ever stays the same".
This past year has been all about changes, it's not easy saying goodbye to someone you have loved since you were 17 years old. Nor was it easy to watch my children suffer and hurt over the choices of another. Despite it all, you know what? Life is still good, I am still blessed, and I still have a testimony of Jesus Christ, I have more faith than ever because I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and no matter how alone I might feel HE will never leave me.
So there it is, written for all to read, and judge if that's what they want to do. But this is my journal and my story to tell. I'm still here, a little older, a little wiser, and still hopeful that "Family's are Forever".
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